There are countless reasons why a mother would decide to breastfeed, but I would say the very and most basic one is that it is a natural biological function, it is the most appropriate form of nutrition (unless baby cannot handle the milk which is very rare and can only be assessed by a trained medical specialist) and successful breastfeeding can be a very rewarding experience for a woman who has set her heart on it. However, breastfeeding is not always easy, it is physically and emotionally demanding, it can be a huge hormonal roller-coaster ride, it is different with each child, it can trigger Nursing Aversion, it can be painful, it can be shamed, it will be shamed, it makes many people uncomfortable, it can be isolating. Many women do not make it through because the support for breastfeeding can be very limited, I have heard so many stories of medical experts who were uneducated on the subject, women who were shamed, women who were not supported appropriately in the journey.
Now, I have also heard many instances of women who felt isolated from their husband in their decision to breastfeed. I am going to assume that you do not want that, so allow me to discuss a few ways you can be involved in the breastfeeding journey and supportive of your partner.
#1- Be Involved
Motherhood is something fantastic. It is also terribly isolating. You might not notice it but when becoming a mother a woman will often end up being cut from many of her social and work activities, she might not talk about it but many of her friends will drop out, she probably won't receive as many invitations for work retreats or evening dinners as before. The odds are that at that point in her life she will seek support with family relatives and/or online support groups. Both can be great but you should try to be there before she turns there, if you want your voice to matter, be involved in the whole parenting journey at all steps, even those you might not see as important straight away because as she is being marginally isolated by society starting with pregnancy she will be more and more involved in the parenting choices she makes and if you are not there, you will be left out. So when she tells you she wants to breastfeed or before she tells you, be there, let her know you want to help and make it both your decision.
#2- Educate Yourself
You might have noticed a lot of people view pregnancy, labour and nursing something only women really know about. The sad truth is many women do not know enough on any of it, and your partner will probably receive more hardship from women than men during her breastfeeding journey. Know why breastfeeding is a good option, know the facts, know that it is good for as long as baby and mummy are enjoying it not just for 2 weeks or 6 months but can last well into childhood, know how it work, learn about mastitis, tongue tie, engorgement, feeding on demand. Research how this will be physically demanding on your other half, how missing a feed will be painful for her hence why she might be defensive and reluctant to skip them when a relative insists on keeping the baby or she might not want to be out too long away from baby. The more you know about breastfeeding, the easiest it will be for your partner to rely on you when she needs help, you cannot experience it yourself but it is a great help for an exhausted mama to be able to just say she is engorged and not be met by complete ignorant eyes but by a partner who will say "I'll go get the pump" or "I'll distract the toddler so you can hand express while baby is asleep".
#3- Own up to your share of the housework
I have had pretty demanding jobs in my life, I even was an au pair when I was 18, worked full weeks while studying full time and living on less than 5 hours of sleep at night. I know you probably work hard, I know how tiring it is, I know you come home and probably want to relax, and it will be tempting to think your partner who has been home all day will be happy to prepare dinner. The truth is going out to work is play in the park compared to staying home with a baby, you do not get a break from it and you don't officially want one (that is the sad paradox of parenting). So while your partner does care for you, she needs your help, she hasn't had an adult conversation all day and you should get up, listen to what she has to say and check the sink for dishes or the tumble dryer for laundry that needs folded, because those are the little things that will make a difference. Remember she is in the house far too much and probably feels responsible for all these things (even though they are your responsibility too) and you noticing them needing and owning up to your share of the laundry, cleaning and cooking is a fantastic way to support your breastfeeding partner. You live in the house, you benefit from the home so it is only natural you should contribute to its good running, and doing so will alleviate some of the physical and emotional exhaustion of your partner. If you cannot do that, I seriously suggest you hire a cleaning person or pay to have laundry sent away because a clean house is a resting place which will help your partner feel safe, will allow her to feel ready if she has unexpected visits and trust me that is priceless.
#4- Speak Up.
You will never get as much unsolicited advice as you will once you become a parent. Distant relatives you didn't even know existed will have an opinion on the brand of nappies you should use and work colleagues who have never talked to you to say more than "Hi Bob" when your name is James will feel completely in their right to lecture you as to why your wife should stop breastfeeding or use control crying because they did that themselves or that is what their second once remote cousin did and their kids are still alive. It might be tempting to listen. But the odds are that if you made the effort to educate yourself and were involved in the decision you will be able to thank them and send them on their way. Don't bring their opinions back with you. Defend your decision for your wife to breastfeed.
When your mother or her mother or another loving relative comes to you to complain that your girlfriend looks tired and she feels cheated that she doesn't get to give a bottle to the baby, remind them they had their turn at parenting and it is now your turn as a couple and it is not about them but about you the parents and the baby. If they want or miss the circus they can go get their own circus. There is nothing worse for a breastfeeding woman than having to defend her choices by herself, yes she can do it but it is nice to know your other half will do that for you just as well and be able to focus on having a good let down and feed time.
#5- Be Comfortable.
Not everyone is comfortable around breastfeeding, this results in mothers feeling self conscious and being isolated. I still remember the discomfort and disapproval of some people in my own house being so strong that I left the living room to go nurse alone in the dark, I felt so sad, ashamed, alone and isolated. I talked about it with my husband, I also made the decision that if people felt that way they could leave. I will accommodate when I am a guest at someone's home but if you come in my home or we are in public grounding, I will breastfeed. Now, it is important you yourself be there for your wife, she might not gain the confidence to nurse in public or at the Christmas tree while your parents are visiting but if she knows you are supportive it will be easier. If anyone comes to you and make a comment about it, defend her, and make sure you never ever are the one to ask her to cover up at a restaurant or stare at her in embarrassment during the wedding toasts. Be comfortable around her while she nurses and carry on being comfortable even when people disapprove if she is still breastfeeding your toddler or decides to tandem nurse as your family grows.Give her hug, put your arm around her shoulders and show your support. This will be a bonding moment for you two and the baby who will also feel your presence.
#6- Participate.
I know that breastfeeding can be done in many ways. Sometimes mums chose to express which can allow dad or partner to feed as well. but not always. If that is the case do not feel like you are not getting bonding time, and do not guilt trip your partner over it. There are ways for you to participate and bond with baby too. You can help during the bath, massage your partner while she nurses or bring her a drink to keep her hydrated. The baby will feel your presence and the way their mother feels at ease and they will see you being involved. Burp the baby, change the nappy, have skin to skin, babywear while your partner is having a shower, cook dinner, if she expresses, be in charge of the pump and bottles and keep them ready for use. Be part of the family and house life, baby lives here and if you bring your input, they will notice and you will soon enjoy the joys of parenthood just as much as if you were breastfeeding too!
#7- Keep Communicating.
Good communication is essential to any healthy relationship, and it is essential between parents. Don't let yourselves isolate from each other, catch up, be aware of what is going on in each other's lives, communicate. Keep talking. There isn't much more I can say about this one other than once again if you want to remain part of the relationship you need to keep being part of it and as long as you are talking and aware of yours and your partner's feelings you will be able to participate, grow together and support each other and your family.
