Enjoying a moment of parenthood...

Today is a stay-at-home-cuddle-on-the-couch-with-a-hot-mug-and-blanket type of day. You might think it's a weekend morning and the weather outside might be grey, rainy or snowy (you know the snowy blizzard type) but actually this is Tuesday and for once in this corner of Scotland there is a bit of blue sky and sunshine and a side of wind. It would be a lovely day to go out with the girls.
Instead we are all in our lounging outfits, all cosy under a pile of blankets and watching Tinkerbell for the 337th time.
I know that right now this living room scene is probably what everyone imagines when they think of a stay at home parent (and especially stay at home mamas) but what you don't see is that underneath this peaceful, idyllic, lazy relaxing scene I am pacing out in a thousand different directions in my head. My mind goes to the fact I am three days late in work, I am self employed in a field that is terribly underpaid, I work way below the minimum wage but bills and rent need to be paid. This means I am constantly calculating our budget knowing we can't afford surprises, it means that my husband works a demanding job for very little pay, full time but that barely covers half of our living costs and I have to work till 2 or 3 AM every night. Last night baby was unwell so I only got 3 hours of sleep. Life is hard, but it could be worse, we manage to keep our daughters fed, clothed and happy. They are not missing anything and don't realise how stressed or overworked their parents are, which is something I appreciate because I know so many parents would give anything to preserve the innocence and peacefulness of their kids' childhood.
So I try to take a deep breath in, making mental lists of all the work I need to catch on while trying to comfort myself that though while life is far from what we had planned at least our toddler is laughing watching her movie next to me and the one baby we still have has finally drifted to sleep while nursing in my arms. Sometimes peace can be found in accepting the beauty of the moment and temporarily forgetting the overwhelming reality.

Seven ways to support your partner when breastfeeding.

So you have a baby or are about to have one, and your partner has made her research and settled on breastfeeding the baby. The chances are you are a pretty good guy and got on board with all things baby, you talked to the bump, tried to find an Indian takeaway opened at 2 AM that would cook a meal without onions (or hint hint to my husband, learnt to cook sushi from scratches because that is what your wife has decided to live on). You might have been involved in decisions such as the choice of pram, sling, cot etc. You are looking forward to meeting this tiny person. You are probably or have probably been taken aback a little when it came to labour because there is nothing you can do there except the most important thing: being supportive. And now comes breastfeeding, and you will soon find out that despite a lot of friends and relatives being pro-breastfeeding, a lot of these people have also grown their own expectations on the baby for the last 9 months, and once baby is here, things are going to get tough, and if you are not prepared it might turn into a very tough situation on your other half and you need to be ready.

There are countless reasons why a mother would decide to breastfeed, but I would say the very and most basic one is that it is a natural biological function, it is the most appropriate form of nutrition (unless baby cannot handle the milk which is very rare and can only be assessed by a trained medical specialist) and successful breastfeeding can be a very rewarding experience for a woman who has set her heart on it. However, breastfeeding is not always easy, it is physically and emotionally demanding, it can be a huge hormonal roller-coaster ride, it is different with each child, it can trigger Nursing Aversion, it can be painful, it can be shamed, it will be shamed, it makes many people uncomfortable, it can be isolating. Many women do not make it through because the support for breastfeeding can be very limited, I have heard so many stories of medical experts who were uneducated on the subject, women who were shamed, women who were not supported appropriately in the journey.

Now, I have also heard many instances of women who felt isolated from their husband in their decision to breastfeed. I am going to assume that you do not want that, so allow me to discuss a few ways you can be involved in the breastfeeding journey and supportive of your partner.

#1- Be Involved

Motherhood is something fantastic. It is also terribly isolating. You might not notice it but when becoming a mother a woman will often end up being cut from many of her social and work activities, she might not talk about it but many of her friends will drop out, she probably won't receive as many invitations for work retreats or evening dinners as before. The odds are that at that point in her life she will seek support with family relatives and/or online support groups. Both can be great but you should try to be there before she turns there, if you want your voice to matter, be involved in the whole parenting journey at all steps, even those you might not see as important straight away because as she is being marginally isolated by society starting with pregnancy she will be more and more involved in the parenting choices she makes and if you are not there, you will be left out. So when she tells you she wants to breastfeed or before she tells you, be there, let her know you want to help and make it both your decision.

#2- Educate Yourself

You might have noticed a lot of people view pregnancy, labour and nursing something only women really know about. The sad truth is many women do not know enough on any of it, and your partner will probably receive more hardship from women than men during her breastfeeding journey. Know why breastfeeding is a good option, know the facts, know that it is good for as long as baby and mummy are enjoying it not just for 2 weeks or 6 months but can last well into childhood, know how it work, learn about mastitis, tongue tie, engorgement, feeding on demand. Research how this will be physically demanding on your other half, how missing a feed will be painful for her hence why she might be defensive and reluctant to skip them when a relative insists on keeping the baby or she might not want to be out too long away from baby. The more you know about breastfeeding, the easiest it will be for your partner to rely on you when she needs help, you cannot experience it yourself but it is a great help for an exhausted mama to be able to just say she is engorged and not be met by complete ignorant eyes but by a partner who will say "I'll go get the pump" or "I'll distract the toddler so you can hand express while baby is asleep".

#3- Own up to your share of the housework

I have had pretty demanding jobs in my life, I even was an au pair when I was 18, worked full weeks while studying full time and living on less than 5 hours of sleep at night. I know you probably work hard, I know how tiring it is, I know you come home and probably want to relax, and it will be tempting to think your partner who has been home all day will be happy to prepare dinner. The truth is going out to work is play in the park compared to staying home with a baby, you do not get a break from it and you don't officially want one (that is the sad paradox of parenting). So while your partner does care for you, she needs your help, she hasn't had an adult conversation all day and you should get up, listen to what she has to say and check the sink for dishes or the tumble dryer for laundry that needs folded, because those are the little things that will make a difference. Remember she is in the house far too much and probably feels responsible for all these things (even though they are your responsibility too) and you noticing them needing and owning up to your share of the laundry, cleaning and cooking is a fantastic way to support your breastfeeding partner. You live in the house, you benefit from the home so it is only natural you should contribute to its good running, and doing so will alleviate some of the physical and emotional exhaustion of your partner. If you cannot do that, I seriously suggest you hire a cleaning person or pay to have laundry sent away because a clean house is a resting place which will help your partner feel safe, will allow her to feel ready if she has unexpected visits and trust me that is priceless.

#4- Speak Up.

You will never get as much unsolicited advice as you will once you become a parent. Distant relatives you didn't even know existed will have an opinion on the brand of nappies you should use and work colleagues who have never talked to you to say more than "Hi Bob" when your name is James will feel completely in their right to lecture you as to why your wife should stop breastfeeding or use control crying because they did that themselves or that is what their second once remote cousin did and their kids are still alive. It might be tempting to listen. But the odds are that if you made the effort to educate yourself and were involved in the decision you will be able to thank them and send them on their way. Don't bring their opinions back with you. Defend your decision for your wife to breastfeed.
When your mother or her mother or another loving relative comes to you to complain that your girlfriend looks tired and she feels cheated that she doesn't get to give a bottle to the baby, remind them they had their turn at parenting and it is now your turn as a couple and it is not about them but about you the parents and the baby. If they want or miss the circus they can go get their own circus. There is nothing worse for a breastfeeding woman than having to defend her choices by herself, yes she can do it but it is nice to know your other half will do that for you just as well and be able to focus on having a good let down and feed time.

#5- Be Comfortable.

Not everyone is comfortable around breastfeeding, this results in mothers feeling self conscious and being isolated. I still remember the discomfort and disapproval of some people in my own house being so strong that I left the living room to go nurse alone in the dark, I felt so sad, ashamed, alone and isolated. I talked about it with my husband, I also made the decision that if people felt that way they could leave. I will accommodate when I am a guest at someone's home but if you come in my home or we are in public grounding, I will breastfeed. Now, it is important you yourself be there for your wife, she might not gain the confidence to nurse in public or at the Christmas tree while your parents are visiting but if she knows you are supportive it will be easier. If anyone comes to you and make a comment about it, defend her, and make sure you never ever are the one to ask her to cover up at a restaurant or stare at her in embarrassment during the wedding toasts. Be comfortable around her while she nurses and carry on being comfortable even when people disapprove if she is still breastfeeding your toddler or decides to tandem nurse as your family grows.Give her hug, put your arm around her shoulders and show your support. This will be a bonding moment for you two and the baby who will also feel your presence.

#6- Participate.

I know that breastfeeding can be done in many ways. Sometimes mums chose to express which can allow dad or partner to feed as well. but not always. If that is the case do not feel like you are not getting bonding time, and do not guilt trip your partner over it. There are ways for you to participate and bond with baby too. You can help during the bath, massage your partner while she nurses or bring her a drink to keep her hydrated. The baby will feel your presence and the way their mother feels at ease and they will see you being involved. Burp the baby, change the nappy, have skin to skin, babywear while your partner is having a shower, cook dinner, if she expresses, be in charge of the pump and bottles and keep them ready for use. Be part of the family and house life, baby lives here and if you bring your input, they will notice and you will soon enjoy the joys of parenthood just as much as if you were breastfeeding too!


#7- Keep Communicating.

Good communication is essential to any healthy relationship, and it is essential between parents. Don't let yourselves isolate from each other, catch up, be aware of what is going on in each other's lives, communicate. Keep talking. There isn't much more I can say about this one other than once again if you want to remain part of the relationship you need to keep being part of it and as long as you are talking and aware of yours and your partner's feelings you will be able to participate, grow together and support each other and your family.

Let's talk about lashes...

 

There are so many reasons to love lashes and brows... The latter frame your face and shaped correctly will bring all your features to their best. Bad brows whether too thick (yes dear fashion trends there is such thing) or too thin, too arched, round or straight can easily be disastrous. Just like a good haircut good brows require shaped even just once in a while by a trained specialist who can advise on the best shape for your face. I know the trend towards very thick brows has been raging lately but for any one pulling it I have seen at least three disasters. Notwithstanding that pulling thicker and darker than nature brows doesn't mean they still are the best for your features. 

   I am a huge fan of the billion dollar brows system, specialists in finding the most flattering brows and shade of brows for every one they are definitely a little brow miracle to try if you have a specialist near you.  

Another little beauty secret I am partial to are lashes extensions. From individual to Russian there is a fit for every one. I would greatly urge anyone looking for a lash artist to make sure they are fully qualified and insured. Read reviews and ask to see photographs of their work. Feel free to ask them any questions to make sure you are comfortable and get the look you are looking for from bold to natural looking. Lashes extensions are great if you are very busy and don't lays want to put mascara on every day. They are a lovely option if simple tinting still is not enough for thin and pale lashes. They are perfect for straight eyelashes as the extensions add a gentle curl that will save you the need for curlers or perm.

One important thing to remember is to always follow your specialist 's care advice to keep your lashes lasting (around 8 weeks or more with top ups depending on care and lash cycle) and not damage your lashes. Brush them twice a day, don't get them wet for 48 hours after top ups or placements, and lee a pair of sunglasses handy to protect them from rain and wind. 

If you ever are in Glasgow a place to try are Love those Lashes near Charing Cross where the brows and lashes artists are so good you might find yourself feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep while getting your brows waxed! The decor is warm and the ambiance will make you feel like you are in a trendy Californian salon about to step in the sun. A perfect little pick me up place from the Scottish weather to feel a little bit better. 

If you have one, I would love to hear about your favourite brow or lash salon :-)  give your artist a shoutout in the comment section and feel free to share your brow and lashes secrets!

Goodbye dear old sofa.

This past week has marked quite an important step in our home. After nearly three years of good and loyal service we had to part ways with the sofa that saw both our daughters sitting for the first time, that held all of us like a warm, cosy and familiar hug, that endured Lilly's exercises, that was turned into a fort or castle so many times and that most importantly was the place where Kaede was birthed.

We will miss it and it was a sad goodbye. Lilly bounced on it one last time to see it go and we are so very grateful for having been given it and for the years of memories it gave us. We now have a smaller corner sofa that we are getting used to.

 Baby Kaede already claimed the corner spot and Lilly is deciding if she likes it or not but definitely misses the old sofa. This is the first step in reorganising our flat to make it more space efficient and easier to keep tidy as we are getting busier every day and really need a more efficient space to live in. I will put some pictures once we are done by the end of the month!

Home is with my family.

This morning I caught up on a very interesting little article that did sum up a few feelings about how I feel most of the time. The article was about people who grew up in different countries, you can have a wee read here , and I can agree and relate with every single point described.
Growing up in different countries has deeply influenced my identity and how my husband and I are raising our family. I have met wonderful people from all over the world, and I have the best of friends that I may not have  seen for years yet can chat to as if I had only gone out with them the day before. I have had the chance to learn so much about so many different cultures and I love languages. But I will never have the chance to feel at home in any country, which in turns might be why my family and close friends whether they live nearby or on the other side of the world matter so much to me.

Every time I meet someone I know I will be asked where I am from, I will be asked this question all my life, and I have heard it since I was 7 and moved away from my birth country. Being old enough to remember differences between both my home and my new country means that I did struggle a lot when it came to make friends, Primary kids tend to single you out when you have a different accent, words you use don't have the same meaning, some just don't plain exist or the cartoons you enjoyed only a week ago have never aired in this country. It took me over two years to lose my accent and by then any hope and will of fitting in had long left. So it did sting a little when years later I had the opportunity to move back only to be asked once more about where I was from and know that while I will always be Canadian at heart, I will never be able to buy my groceries in Canada without the till assistant asking where I'm from or what brought me there. I have been mistaken for Russian, French, Polish, Swedish, Irish, Lithuanian, Australian.... (and anyone from these countries who know me will be thinking "What? She doesn't sound like....") because my accent is hard to place but I can also change it if required and sometimes I adapt it without knowing but never enough for it to sound just right to whomever I am speaking with.

As Fate would have it I now live in Scotland which I never ever thought I would, and my husband and both my daughters were born here. My immediate family of course doesn't live near, and I can go for over a year without seeing them, but I have no desire to move where they live. I crave little things like maple cream cookies or V8 or Mountain Dew, coming in more than one edited flavour, but we will not move to Canada either. I have had dreamt for a long time of living in Ireland but we will not do that either. We will visit, because I do want my children to experience as much world culture as possible, but no matter how much I miss my family or my beautiful birth country, Scotland is where my children have made friends, this is where we have experienced the most love and hurt and despite some part of me feels at time like turning a new page, I have also learnt that providing shared cultural roots might be one of the best gifts I can give my children and so Scotland is where we will stay and come back to from all our future holidays.

I am lucky or maybe it simply is that foreigners living abroad somehow almost always end up making friends with other expatriates because we tacitly understand each other as I have made great friends who do come from many different countries and all somehow married, met someone and/or started a family in Scotland and settled there. Some have children the age of mine and they will grow, speaking different languages but English with a Scottish accent, other friends at school will be secretly jealous of their multilingual ability when they let it out but having grown in the same culture they will fit in and probably never have to answer the question "where are you from?" in their home country. They will get the best of both worlds.

I will always be countrysick but thanks to my family I will never be homesick because now, my husband and children are my home.

Fluffy Pancakes

This last week we have fixed ourselves a very difficult but long needed goal of all having breakfast (or some of it) all together. In order to make it a little bit more interesting I have been working an an all time classic of my childhood: pancakes. I still have memories of breakfasts when I was a kid and my mum making us all pancakes in different shapes.
While I am not that gifted in the shape science of pancakes yet I decided to make it up recipe wise and I have finally come up with a lovely, fluffy and tasty recipe. It even comes with the bonuses of being cruelty free and sugar free!

For these fluffy pancakes, you will need:

2 1/2 cup of plain flour

1 cup of self raising flour

4 table spoons of baking soda

2 table spoons of agave syrup

5 table spoons of vegetable spread

3 cups of coconut or almond milk

3 teaspoons of cinnamon

3 table spoons of flavour extract (we liked almond, vanilla)

Heat up a pan on the stove at medium heat,

Mix all the ingredients in a bowl, do not worry about small lumps,

Pour a serving spoon in the pan, wait until the top bubbles,

Flip the pancake,

Watch it raise up for about 30 seconds depending on your stove,

Remove and put on a plate.

Serve with butter and maple syrup!

If you don't have hungry children already waiting at the table, you can keep the pancakes warm in the oven while baking the end of the batch. If you do not finish all of them, put them in a sealed tub with a few wedges of freshly cut apple to keep them nice and moist in the fridge for the next time!

I hope you enjoy these as much as we did!

I just lost a whole year with my children...

Tonight my husband and I were sitting down for the first time in over a week (we're working a lot these days plus got a few tummy bugs thrown in the mix which spiced up our evenings plans). Simon is in his third year studying to be a Primary School teacher. We were chatting about family and school curriculum and I suddenly picked up on something that had not fully hit me before: Nursery (kindergarten) here in Scotland starts at 4! And Primary School at 5!? Back home in Canada, kindergarten starts at 5, so children start Primary school at 6. When I heard here of children starting nursery at 3 I did think it was a bit young, my plan for the girls was to wait till they'd turn 4 if they seemed ready for it, but I didn't realise this was actually my only option if I want my children to get a cushion year before Primary school.
So this means I only have one year left with Lilly at home and not one with a potential extra one...just one. And it feels very final, and that these nearly three years so far have gone by much faster and that we have very little time left together. I know it is not the end of the world, but I feel like I have just lost a whole year and also I really need to get more research in the curriculum here as it is much more different than just high school encompassing both middle school and high school in one go.
This is adding one more little bit to the home sick feeling I have had lately (it has been more than eight years since my last maple cream cookie and you don't find hot apple cider powder here... and it took Lilly to be two and a half to go walk in snow for the first time and she was terrorised of it...).
I am going to go to bed now and tomorrow I am going to start planning on how to do the things I thought I had two years to do before Primary fit into one. Hopefully I will be better ready for Kaede's turn.

Healthy Chocolate Creams

It's not easy to get kids to eat their fruit and vegetables. It usually is easy on the other hand to get them to get into sweets and chocolate. So here is a way of combining the two and making sure you get your children or yourself something nice and yet healthy.
For this Chocolate Cream recipe you will need:

4 small avocados or 2 big avocados
2 bananas
150 ml of agave nectar
125g of raw coco powder (Cadbury Bourneville powder) or for the sweet tooth Cadbury chocolate powder (the one to mix with hotmilk is vegan too :-) )
250 ml of coconut or almond or hazelnut milk
Optional: A dash of maple syrup if you like it or any essence (vanilla, mint etc..) you would like

Put all the ingredients in the food processor or blender and mix it up!
Pour into individual containers and leave to rest in the fridge for half an hour.
Enjoy :-)